First of all, congratulations to the many young medical students, soon-to-be residents, and their families who recently found out the results of the 2019 Match! A couple weeks ago was Match Day, a phenomenon that I had thought I might write about but which Lara McElderry of the Married to Doctors podcast and blog did so much more thoroughly than I would have! I highly encourage you to go over to her website and check out her post on the entire NRMP Match process. And while you're there, you can listen to her podcast, including a couple episodes where she interviewed me! Narcissism aside, Married to Doctors is an extremely valuable resource for all people in a medical marriage or partnership, and for the friends and family of doctors who want to better understand the experience. Reflecting on J's Match reminds me of the moments in its wake when extremely well-meaning people wanted to share their wisdom and advice for this new stage in our lives. The problem was, many of these people were either not familiar with surgical specialties or were not involved in the medical field at all, so not all of the suggestions were equally useful. But what did I know? I was only just learning about what it meant to be a doctor's partner, and I had no clue! So I smiled and nodded and tried desperately to take their advice, only to realize months or even years later that their well-intentioned words may have done more harm than good. If only there had been a resource for them to learn what to say to this new almost-surgical-spouse in their midst... Say This, Not That A guide to well-wishing for the medically adjacent ❌ "You're going to be alone all the time. Oof! Not exactly what the young partner/fiancee/newlywed of a newly-minted doctor wants to hear! While it's true that the resident's hours will be long, why make the foregone conclusion that the partner will be alone? A statement like this assumes the partner won't have coworkers, or friends, or a community, or a book club, or a running team. So instead of setting them up for loneliness, say instead: ✓ "You're going to have so many opportunities to do things you love!" ❌ "At least you won't have to worry about money. Ha. Haha. HahahaHAHAHAHAHhahahaha!!!! That's a good one! If you're working on your stand-up routine, you're set. If, on the other hand, you're trying to be sincere, you have probably missed the mark. The average resident salary hovers between $55,000 and $60,000, but their average student loan debt is around $200,000 (and that's if undergrad was completely paid for). Typically, that Big Doctor Money won't start rolling in until a doctor is in their 30s, giving that student loan interest plenty of time to grow, alongside the financial responsibilities of, well, the rest of life. It's a good idea to be sensitive to this with a line like: ✓ "I know things might be tight for a little while. Next time you're around, coffee's on me!" ❌ "I bet you'll get to stop working!" This might be great news if you're in a low-paying job that you despise, but I suspect that for many medical partners this is an unwelcome assumption. Outside of parenthood, having a job or career while your spouse is in residency might not just be a welcome use of time but might be necessary for both sanity and finances (see above). So instead of saying something that, to some ears, will sound a whole lot like "Your job doesn't matter as much," say instead: ✓ "This could a great chance to develop in your career, too, if that's what you'd like." ❌ "You'll never get to see him/her." Well now, that's not very fair. Never? Not quite. Not as often as you'd like? Probably. But much like the first example above, this only sets the person up for failure and ignores how meaningful those moments together will be. Maybe try: ✓ "I hope people will respect your time together. And if you're ever feeling lonely, just give me a call." ❌ "It's only __ years, you'll be fine." This is one of those statements that isn't inherently bad, but can have the unintended consequence of devaluing a person's very real concerns and feelings. Outside the trenches it might just seem like a few years (or six, or eight, if you're in a surgical specialty with a fellowship), but when you're in it as either the young doctor or the spouse, the challenges occasionally seem insurmountable. Words like "fine" are especially unhelpful because most people don't aspire to simply be "fine." Rather: ✓ "This is a huge deal, and I am so proud of you. I'm always here for you even if it's less-than-awesome, though. You can vent to me whenever you need." ❌ "It gets better. This comment is great for some specialties but not others. In family medicine, dermatology, and radiology, it's entirely plausible that your post-training jobs will have better hours, more manageable work loads, and a better chance at work-life balance than during residency and fellowship. However, it's not a given. For many in surgical specialties, it doesn't get better; it gets different. Your control over the schedule might get better, for instance, but you might continue to work 80 hours a week. Much like life in general, the stressors of one period rarely go away without another stressor taking their place. Instead you can try: ✓ "It gets more worthwhile. Nobody becomes a doctor to be a resident, and you'll probably surprise yourself with the resilience and strength you develop in the meantime." So there you have it! Six helpful suggestions for what to say to someone who's entire life is about to change with their partner's residency. Have more you'd like to share, or stories about the most cringe-worthy things people have said to you? Have other GIFs that beautifully illustrate your experiences in residency? Share them in the comments below!
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AuthorNashira is a music teacher and proud Small-Town Jew who, after surthriving six years in Brooklyn for her husband's surgical residency, is finally back in Wisconsin where she belongs! At least until the end of the two-year surgical fellowship, that is. It's a wild ride, and she's ready to tell you all about it! Archives
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