First of all, congratulations to the many young medical students, soon-to-be residents, and their families who recently found out the results of the 2019 Match! A couple weeks ago was Match Day, a phenomenon that I had thought I might write about but which Lara McElderry of the Married to Doctors podcast and blog did so much more thoroughly than I would have! I highly encourage you to go over to her website and check out her post on the entire NRMP Match process. And while you're there, you can listen to her podcast, including a couple episodes where she interviewed me! Narcissism aside, Married to Doctors is an extremely valuable resource for all people in a medical marriage or partnership, and for the friends and family of doctors who want to better understand the experience.
Reflecting on J's Match reminds me of the moments in its wake when extremely well-meaning people wanted to share their wisdom and advice for this new stage in our lives. The problem was, many of these people were either not familiar with surgical specialties or were not involved in the medical field at all, so not all of the suggestions were equally useful. But what did I know? I was only just learning about what it meant to be a doctor's partner, and I had no clue! So I smiled and nodded and tried desperately to take their advice, only to realize months or even years later that their well-intentioned words may have done more harm than good. If only there had been a resource for them to learn what to say to this new almost-surgical-spouse in their midst...
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Seven years ago I sent a Facebook message to a stranger:
"Okay, this is going to seem incredibly forward and possibly a bit bizarre, but I hope you'll continue reading. . ." Throughout the month of January 2012 I had been seeing a guy I met online, a graduate student studying astrophysics or some such science in Chicago. He was nice enough, but I could tell after a few weeks that it wasn't going to work out. When I told this to a friend over email she responded "Well that's too bad. BUT there are plenty of other fish in the sea! You should really check out this guy, . . ." So I did. I checked out his Facebook. I checked out his JDate profile. I Googled him. My 21st-century-pre-date-research (which is definitely not the same as stalking) revealed he was smart, goofy, and almost definitely not a serial killer, so I sent him a Facebook message. Of course, I knew that when he checked Facebook only the first line or so of the message would appear before he clicked on it to read more, and I needed to make sure he wouldn't immediately dismiss my single attempt to contact him. He responded two days later, presumably after doing his own 21st-century-pre-date-research (definitely not stalking). Apparently what he saw (or didn't see) was enough to convince him because, as he wrote in his response, "It's a good thing I kept reading because that opening line really made it seem like the rest of the message was going to be asking me to donate money for a lost prince of Nigeria." One couch. One full size bed (mattress, box spring, and metal frame). A bench, a shoe rack, an end table. Shelves, a desk, four chairs, two tables, and walls filled with framed photos and artwork (large and small, delicate and not-so-delicate, all equally cherished). A kitchen cart, a baker's rack, too many dishes.
Our apartment has been itemized into cubic feet and pounds, looked at and assessed by professionals who see cargo where I see a home. It's been an arduous month, but I have finally checked off the first major item on my "Moving to Milwaukee To Do List:" Find a moving company. When I started looking in January I thought the process would be relatively straightforward, but as with most things in adulthood I was sorely mistaken. It often felt like there was no one resource to give me all the information I really needed, so in true Type A fashion I did far more research than any normal human being would be expected to do. In the end, did it help me make a better decision? We won't really know until everything is delivered to us in Milwaukee in July. But until then, here is everything valuable that I learned in my research process. I hope that it can help at least one other person preparing for a long-distance move. People don't always remember this, but J is actually a real doctor. As in, he has an "MD" after his name and he's legitimately qualified to make fun of error-riddled medical TV shows. So even though he's well past medical school and actively cuts people open to fix their organs, sometimes with complete independence, he's also still in training and therefore still a student. And what better way to remind someone they're still a student than to give them a giant exam every year? Say hello to ABSITE, the American Board of Surgery In-Training Examination, "a multiple-choice exam designed to measure the progress attained by residents in their knowledge of applied science and management of clinical problems related to surgery" (ABS In-Training Examination). Every year at the end of January, J and his fellow residents sit for this 5-hour long test to make sure they are both retaining past knowledge and developing new knowledge throughout the course of their program. The test covers more or less the same content each year, but residents are expected to be able to perform better each subsequent year they take it. It can be used both as an evaluative tool to measure resident preparedness and promotion and to assess a program's efficacy. ABSITE scores are also frequently referenced in Fellowship applications and, in some cases, can make or break an applicants prospects. It's also great at driving a resident's spouse bonkers! Sunday in our home is our "Get Stuff Done" day. Between J and me, our typical Sunday To Do list includes:
This do-it-all-on-Sunday schedule works just fine for me with my Monday-Friday job, but is less convenient for J whose schedule has no concept of seven-day-cycles and that perpetually enigmatic "weekend." Indeed, finding a way to balance the demands of our two conflicting schedules has been among the biggest hurdles in residency, because not only does getting things checked off my list bring me a sense of calm, but so does spending quality time with J. While tasks and errands and obligations multiply, quality time is hard to come by. It was a Friday, and I had managed to fall dreadfully behind on my Shabbat-prep timeline. Challah was in the oven, but I still had to make the rice, cook the vegetables, and prepare all the toppings for our poke bowl Shabbat dinner, for which a few guests were arriving that evening. And I needed to make dessert but of course I didn't have all the ingredients so I had to run to the grocery store but I also still had to clean up and---
"I'll do the grocery shopping, sweetie. I can see you're getting stressed, so I'll take care of that." *Swoon* J really does know me! And not only did he buy the groceries, but while he was there he also picked up the toilet paper and cat litter we needed. Then he spent an hour chopping vegetables with me, arranged them into beautiful platters, and we hosted a spectacular meal with friends, after which he single-handedly cleaned up. My hero! Unfortunately, my bliss was short-lived. Guess I'd better not quit my day job! Clearly, my vocation is not that of a writer since it was far easier for me to ignore my blog for two months than to struggle with writing for writing's sake. Anyway, I'm still alive! And Surthriving is too, at least for now. I'm not done sharing stories, thoughts, and experiences. I have at least one idea for a blog post that I desperately want to write but am struggling to compose, and I'm sure if I were just a little more open I would have many more things to share. I have a laundry list of excuses for not writing (laundry being one of them), but it simply comes down to this: I am a lot of things, and I am passionate about a lot of things, and writing has not been near the top of that priority list for the last few months. Anyway, in the spirit of year-end lists, I'd like to round out the year by looking forward into the topics I'd like to explore in this blog in 2019! I had something entirely different in mind for my post this week before Saturday happened. And I considered going with my original idea except that every time I sat down to write or even so much as think about my original idea, I felt blocked by the reality of Saturday's tragedy in a synagogue in Pittsburgh. For anyone who, like me, often prefers blissful ignorance and needs a quick update: At 10:00 am on Saturday morning, a gunman entered the Tree of Life Congregation synagogue in Pittsburgh and opened fire, killing 11. Not only was the community gathered for Shabbat morning services, they were also celebrating a baby naming: Eleven lives were taken Saturday morning. Two other worshipers were injured and four officers also were injured. Among those killed: Middle-aged brothers, an elderly husband and wife and a grandmother nearing 100. Many of them had gathered for a naming ceremony, which marks the beginning of a baby's journey in the Jewish faith. The results of The Match were scheduled to be released to the applicants at 12 pm EST on Wednesday, October 10. At precisely 11:56 am that day, I walked into a kindergarten classroom to teach music, praying the butterflies in my stomach wouldn't fly out the moment I opened my mouth to sing.
Halfway through the period I used my phone to play a song for the students and saw the subject line of an email from J’s aunt in my notifications: “Mazel tov!” We matched, I thought to myself. But where? Nine months ago the online application system opened for Surgical Critical Care, the specialty in which J decided long ago he wanted to do a fellowship after residency.
Eights months and two weeks ago, J submitted the Surgical Critical Care common application, indicating over thirty programs to receive it, most of them on either the East Coast or the Midwest in places we could reasonably consider living for a year. Six months ago, J flew out to Chicago for the first of what would be many interviews. Twenty-two in total, in fact, the last of which was one month ago. Two weeks ago, J submitted a ranked list of all those programs in hopes that the Match gods would look favorably upon the top of our list. In two days, we find out where J's education will take us after Residency. |
AuthorNashira is a music teacher and proud Small-Town Jew who, after surthriving six years in Brooklyn for her husband's surgical residency, is finally back in Wisconsin where she belongs! At least until the end of the two-year surgical fellowship, that is. It's a wild ride, and she's ready to tell you all about it! Archives
September 2019
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